ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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