wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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