I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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