i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
