You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
