she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
there is glitter all over my balls
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