ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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