I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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