The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
not ubering you a puppy
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
