Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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