im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
