Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
