Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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