I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize