So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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