Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
