U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
