She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
