I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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