We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
