i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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