I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm like, not good at living.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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