I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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