I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
