wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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