I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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