There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
