onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
