I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
