if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
