My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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