Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
