Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize