I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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