Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
