I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
In America we eat man semen.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
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