A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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