to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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