The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
