I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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