You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize