I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
