Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
