The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
