I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
