I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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