So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
