Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
