At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
