Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
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