i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
