I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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