So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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