That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
