Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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