I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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