I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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