Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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