Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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