I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
