They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
