So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
