Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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