i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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