I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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