I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
