youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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