Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
