Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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