I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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